Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.
What kind of microphone works best for an oboe in a live band? A cordless with a dead battery.
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? The alto has more body hair.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? Lipstick and jewelry.
What's the best thing to play on a set of bag pipes? A flame thrower!
If you are a stone's throw away from a bag pipe player what should you do? Throw stones.
How many contrabass clarinetists can you fit into a phone both? Both of them.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? On or off.
How do you get a guitarist to play slower? Put music in front of him.
What do you throw a drowning guitar player? His amp.
Why did the bass player get mad at the drummer? He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music.
What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your farm back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back . . .
What do deadheads say when they run out of pot? Dude, what's this awful music?
How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes or until someone opens a door.
Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
Why do sax players prefer the alto sax to the soprano sax? The soprano sax doesn't have a place to put your beer?
Why can't a gorilla play sousaphone? Gorillas are too sensitive.
The conductor repeatedly asked the trumpet section to play with more dynamics. The first trumpet player responded in frustration, "We're playing as loud as we can!"
What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic? A Doberman!
How do you get a music critic out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Did you hear my last concert? Critic: I hope so.
What's the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer? The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.
What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train? A freight train needs a conductor!
Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Because violins have no spit valve.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? A fiddle has beer stains.
What's the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra? About half a measure.
Once there was a violist who was so out of tune that his section noticed!
Who makes the best Viola mutes? Smith & Wesson.
Why is the viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
What's the difference between God and a conductor? God knows He's not a conductor.
What do you call a drummer without a girl friend? Homeless.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.
What sentence do drummers use the least? "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute. After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it. He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.
What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer? Someday the bond will mature and make some money.
Oxymoron - snare drum music.
How late does the band play tonight? About half a beat behind the drummer.
What's the first thing drummers do in the morning? Walk home.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they cannot reach it.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just steal somebody else's light.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
How many blue grass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to change the bulb and two to complain that it's electric.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to put in the new bulb and three to sing about how good the old one was.
How many country bass players does it take to change a light bulb? One, five, one, five, one, five . . .
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? "What? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb? "Hey, I just do sound."
How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb? Thirty five. "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible. Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
Q: How do you make him stop playing? A: Put notes on it!
Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A: Pick on someone your own size!
Q: What's the definition of a minor second? A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A: Counterpoint.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major.Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: Be flat, major.Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major. 
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major.
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A: A natural major.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ? Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? So the rest of the band can understand them
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ? Homeless ..
What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ? Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ? Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning? Throw him his amp.

