Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, its probably Jack Bauer.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack.  For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word."
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.  
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time."
There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.
Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys.  He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets.  So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again.  The fact speaks for itself.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
While imprisoned in China, they made him play Russian Roulette with a shot gun.  Jack won.
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's.  The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop.  Think about that.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
Backup calls for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon".  Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
"Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct.  Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Jack.
Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane.  Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately."
Jack Bauer once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store.  Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head.  This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake.  The snake died.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
When Jack Bauer took a stress test, the test failed.
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer was recently named "most likely cause of injury" among C.T.U. security guards.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie.  See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
When Jack Bauer calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4. 
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot.  Count to 10.  That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass.  All he found inside was a mirror.
When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded "Blood."
Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
When playing "Truth or Dare," Jack Bauer dares you not to tell him the truth.
The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.
To Jack Bauer, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.  He passed.  It was too violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
If you have information Jack Bauer needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead...once.
The first words spoken after the Big Bang were, The following takes place between the birth of Jack Bauer and eternity.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the  Jack Bauer signal.
If you tell Jack Bauer to drop his weapons, he would have to cut his arms and legs off.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*",  there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
You never see Jack Bauer go to the bathroom. That's because nothing escapes Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but  realized his mistake and shot the President.  Jack Bauer is never wrong.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool.  Same thing with hoodies.  And crying.
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.'  Why?  Because He's a pussy.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer slept with Nina who slept with Tony who slept with Michelle which explains why she was immune to the virus.
Don't fall in love with Jack, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Jack Bauer.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. 
Jack Bauer asked for a gun and a can of Red Bull. He ate the gun and killed five terrorists. The purpose of the Red Bull remains unknown.
Jack Bauer only wears body armor to protect the men behind him. 
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans. 
Jack Bauer pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyones safe when Jack Bauer is around.
If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
The pain chart at the hospital reads 0 for no pain - 10 being interrogated by Jack Bauer.
Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
Initially, the 2007 budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. After episode one of season six, it was decided the pistols and ammunition were obviously superfluous, and replaced by one travel size bottle of mouthwash.
When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. 
Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.  This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses.  The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, a nuke goes off in Los Angeles.  
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 
Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
Upon putting the plastic bag over his brother's head in Day 6, Jack Bauer suddenly remembered how much he loved family reunions.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Now do you want to work at CTU?
Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all she is half human.
Kim Bauer only exists because they don't make Kevlar condoms.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood?  Trick question.  Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib.  I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.  
When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated,  but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that i have but one life to lose for my country." Fuck that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
When Jack Bauer drives the Wrong Way on a street, it becomes the right way.
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.
In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. 
The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack Bauer. Idiot.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
When car pooling with Jack, never yell shotgun.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to talk about GI Joe.
Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
Jack Bauers dog put a sign on his fence that read Beware of Jack.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
How many Jack Bauer's does it take to change a light bulb?
If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.
Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
The term "jackin off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see.  Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
24 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned. 
Jack Bauer doesn't need a Presidential pardon.  He pardons the President.
Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.  It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history. 
"Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco". Then Jack Bauer showed up.
A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the fuck up and just played. 
When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run.  But you'll only die tired.
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
When Jack Bauer uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.
Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.
If you think Jack Bauer is hurting you, trust me, he is not.
Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health.  The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment. 
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. 
This bag is not a toy. It is a torture device used by Jack Bauer.
If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter.  If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
When faced with multiple nuclear threats to the country The President Of The United States said, and I quote, "Get me Jack Bauer." He didn't say, "Get me the guy who sells the Total Gym."
Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time.  It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
Don't ever say "Bite me!" to Jack Bauer.  He'll do it.
Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.  
Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him. 
Sticks and stones may brake your bones but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
When facing a room full of terrorist armed only with a sidearm, Ricky Schroeder would call for backup.  Jack Bauer tells the coroner to bring extra bodybags.
Jack Bauer does not work for the Department of Defense.  In fact, he has his own department - The Department of Offense.
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season. 
There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
Jack Bauer doesn't lie.  He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
The only time Jack Bauer looks Death in the eye is when he's looking in a mirror.
If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap.  Jack Bauer has morals.
When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa. 
Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.
Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
Alone, tortured, chained, and one a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese...it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
Long ago, a sperm was interrogating an egg to find out its primary objective.  The result was Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer always wins in the game "Life." Obviously.
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so fucking long.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again. 
Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute.  On his cell phone.
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.
Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't fucking sleep.
There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
Kim is proof that "it skips a generation".
Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in "The Matrix", Zion would have been fucked.
Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.  
Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide. 
By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction:  Jack Bauer.
Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in humans. Sometimes he goes to the ocean to wash off the blood of his victims. Jack Bauer is also the leading cause of death in sharks.
Jack Bauer does not use doors.  He makes his own.
For Valentines Day, Jack Bauer cleaned his gun.
Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.
Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
If you run away from Jack Bauer, you're just gonna die tired.
"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim.  There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat.  Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer's doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense, Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement. 
When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One".
In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
The reason Mohamed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the fucking news.
God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.
If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
When you get a collect call from Jack Bauer the operator doesn't even bother to ask if you accept the charges.
Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconsious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guys head, then cut off the guy's arm...And that guy was his partner Chase, who he actually liked.  Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn't give a fuck about.
If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties". 
Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.  
Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper.  He uses terrorists.
After 20 months of excruciating Chinese captivity, a 15-hour plane ride and 5 minutes of being handcuffed to a metal grate, a car holding a murderous terrorist leader who wanted revenge on Jack appeared, with a legion of suicide bombers and an arsenal of torture weapons. Jack Bauer simply laughed.  Everything was going according to plan.
Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.
Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.
Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.
In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad.  That little boy's name?  Stephen Hawking.
If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles.  He charged the battery.
If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan.  If you live, you're part of that plan.
Jack and Dr. House are good friends.  As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber.  Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit" and moved him to another network.  
Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting, Jack Bauer said start running Dick.  
Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted.  Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week".
If there is one thing Jack Bauer hates as much as terrorists, it's protocol.
Jack Bauer didn't bitch a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert.  You bitch when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death.  By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex.  He has sex again.
Jack Bauer doesn't aim.  He tells bullets where to go.
Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
Jack Bauer fought Cancer.  Now it's safe to smoke.
When humans trip on acid, it alters their perceptions of reality. When Jack Bauer trips on acid, it alters reality.
Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child.  He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
If a tree falls in the forest, its because Jack Bauer wants it down.
No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
50 million people can't be wrong...unless Jack Bauer says so.
If Jack Bauer could bring anyone to life (maybe David Palmer, Terry Bauer, Michelle Desler), he would bring Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power".  
Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn.  He dares it to grow.
The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays, nobody takes a day off for Jack.
The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army.
Jesus and his disciples watched 24 during the last supper. That is why they are all facing the same direction.
24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him.  Jack shot him because he said "good luck", which implied the possibility of failure.
It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."
Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no pussy.
Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents authority.  He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.  This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked. 
Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot he is trying to torture you.
If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked. 
Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond "24".  They're not talking about the show, either.
Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
There are only 2 types of people in the world:  Those who will do anything for Jack...and eventually die as a result.  Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will  eventually die as a result.
Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet.  Without a gun.
Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
Jack Bauer cries when he watches "The Patriot."  Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24 hour hangover.
Jack Bauer does not need an umbrella.  Raindrops know better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password. "Son of a bitch".
A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
Jack Bauer has always wanted to say, "I give you my word damn it we're running out of time son of a bitch" but if he ever said it like that, fans would just die of emotion.
Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer.  This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him. 
Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a bitch."
Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
If Jack Bauer says theres a wrong way to eat a reeses. There's a fucking wrong way to eat a reeses, and you better not do it.
Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer...No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
Jack Bauers parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.
Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
The reason that its forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his penis.
Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a blowjob.
Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of "24" and ammended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vacation."
When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ", Jesus says, "Oh My God", God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.  Somebody is going to die.
If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would have never been back.
Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are:  Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site.  Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
Drive-Thru's are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddamnit Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer's bullets.
Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.
Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on "24" isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
Jack Bauer once found the cure for cancer. He destroyed it immediately after he realized that cancer was the only thing giving him competition in the 'Deaths per Day' category.
If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
The number one cause of death in America is heart disease.  The number one cause of heart disease is fear of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris.  Blindfolded.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
If you look up terrorist in the dictionary you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world.  He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
Jack Bauer can't go behind enemy lines. The enemies are behind Jack Bauer's line.
Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a map. All roads lead to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a Bitch."
Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.  
Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what  I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
Jack Bauer's only kidding.  He knows who you're working for.
Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.  Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
Jack Bauer once played pictionary blind folded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
The Fantastic Four are being sue to change their name.  Jack Bauer's knuckles are the real Fantastic Four.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  Unless the bird is in Jack Bauer's hand.  Then that fucking bird is dead.
Whenever Jack Bauer gets taken into custody he always hands over his one shoulder strap nap sack and says "here are my weapons". If you notice, no one has ever dared to look in that bag. 
It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
Jack Bauer was brought to China to enfore the one-child policy.
It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, Miami and NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive.  So he could kill her again.
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
Jehovahs Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
Jack Bauer has never had a beer in a bar... Chloe always uploads it to his PDA.
Jack Bauer shaves the sights off his guns, they get in his way when he is trying to shoot.
While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.
For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
LA recently instituted a new city beautification program.  They painted a giant picture of Jack Bauer's face covering the whole city.  Now LA's birds are all gone because nothing shits on Jack Bauer and lives.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
Jack Bauer doesn't need money, "I give you my word," is enough.
Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possesion of a weapon of mass destruction.
While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time.  This annoys the doctors.
Jeff Gordon drives Car 24 in Nascar races because he hopes at least a few drivers think it's being driven by Jack Bauer and will drop out of the races.
Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctor's realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it though.  This is why we now have steroids.
In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball.  Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
We call it "Girls Gone Wild". Jack Bauer calls it "When ever Jack Bauer enters a room." 
The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade. 
At work Jack Bauer squeezes grenades, necks and triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
The only thing worse than being Jack Bauer's boss is being Jack Bauer's partner.
Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces.  He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland on TV, needless to say Jack Bauer is the world's greatest actor.
Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.  
Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN number.  He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double".
Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety but to ensure the safety of the set and it's actors.
Jack Bauer walked into to traffic and killed 3 cars.
Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer. 
The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
Chinese prison was a vacation for Jack Bauer. It was the first time he could actually sleep, eat, and go to the bathroom.
If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh. 
After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are fucked.
Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
The term "power hour" has been replaced by "bauer hour".
One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling.  He just wanted to make sure he can kill terriosts in any situation.  He can.
Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs dont make noise in his pocket.
In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
Jack Bauer once shot his Ex-boss' wife in the knee cap just to prove her wrong when she said "You're not going to shoot me Jack."  Wait, this is a real fact.
Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
In honor of Jack Bauer's saving LA for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.  
When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years.  In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.  
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
Jack Bauer once took part in a rodeo. He won it by throwing the bull.
Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
David Palmer did not get that horrbile burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. 
Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer. 
Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country.  To this Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck.  Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
The Chinese didn't admit that Jack actually repeatedly spoke two words during the two years of Chinese torture: at the end of each session he said "That tickled."
Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
Sliced bread is the best thing since Jack Bauer.
The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
'Lesbian' is a latin phase, which roughly translates to; "She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer".
The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked. 
Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
There are no natural disaters in California. Except for Earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24, Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.
One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life.  For terrorists, the shortest.
75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose", no one "goosed" Jack Bauer.  Ever.
What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
Jack Bauer refused the Godfathers offer.
The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
Life is all fun and games.... That is unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it, then it's game over.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol whipped his ass.
Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill. 
They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked. 
The sole job of the Verizon wireless "can you hear me now" guy is to make sure Jack Bauer always has cell phone reception.  The fate of the US and all of the free world depends upon it.
Jack Bauer spends and hour each morning practicing saying  "NOW!!!" 
Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
When ever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, its me"; it was really Jack Bauer.
On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church.  God comes to his house instead.
Two guys walk into a bar... Jack Bauer will find out why.
Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars."  Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
The soup nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunch boxes.
Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't, Jack Bauer was on duty.
Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet. 
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
In the event of a crash your corpse doubles as Jack Bauers flotation device.
Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
The Butterfly Effect was originally going to star Jack Bauer, but they realized there was nothing to go back in time and correct.
The only reason Audrey Reins sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16... "You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer shits on the ceiling.
Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer fucking hates moles.
Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
Father's Day is changing it's name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
Jack Bauer has never killed a person of color. That's because everyone turns white with fear before being killed by Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24 hour period, don't be in L.A.
If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're fucked.
Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
Before Heroine, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed...but it only slowed him down.
In 'Con Air' Nicolas Cage says, "There are only two men I trust.  One is me and the other's not you."  The other person is Jack Bauer.
In grade school, young Jack Bauer once shot a kid while going for the final remaining seat in "Musical Chairs".
Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer sucks at horse racing. Every time he whips the horse to make it go faster, it dies.
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer.  He still does;  4 on his body and 2 in his ass.
When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file, that's why he killed himself.
Everytime someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
Many believe the 24 Video Game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
"The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the fuck Jack Bauer wants it to.
When Jack sinked his teeth into that terrorist's neck after returning from China, he thought to himself, "Man, I finally got to fuckin' eat."
Jack Bauer dosent walk. The ground under him moves.
Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic the icebergs would have moved out of the way. 
If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are fucked.
Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.
There must be balance in the world.  When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many.  And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box'. He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box, just to break back out.
Having sex with Jack Bauer has also been called "Lethal Injection."  
Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherfucker on earth.
Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in english.
If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women
Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eastern.
If you shoot Jack Bauer, you better believe he will interrogate your bullet, and know who shot at him.
The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes.  Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy".
Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb. 
Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
The reason we sleep well at night is becuase Jack Bauer doesn't.
When God said Let there be light, Jack Bauer said Say please.
Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
The only reason the energizer bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
Pandora actually opened Bauer's Box.
Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
Superman has two weaknesses, kryptonite and Jack Bauer.
On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of shit.
Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words, "Trust me".
You can run but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you then you can't do either.
Jack Bauer doesn't play "Sorry". He plays "you're going be fucking Sorry you played a game with Jack Bauer". 
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's Jack Bauer.
If Jack thought twice about killing you then you're already dead.
When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix there are three.
Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack there is no mission impossible. 
80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer added his own face to Mount Rushmore.  Barehanded.
Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation.  He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
When Jack shot Victor Drazen 8 times, it wasn't because he was pissed, it was because he wanted to see how many shots he could get off before Victor hit the water.
Jack Bauer killed Kenny.  They didn't call him a bastard afterwards.
Jack Bauer was once slapped and told to turn the other cheek.  He did, but only to reach for his gun.
Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper".  It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes shit from nobody.
The X-Files are no longer on TV. That's because Jack solved them all.
By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
Audrey had a visible reaction when she learned that Jack was still alive: Orgasm. Multiple.
Saddam wasn't found by the military.  He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
When Jack Bauer masturbates he doesn't touch himself at all. He just threatens his balls.
Jack Bauer can watch a nuclear explosion without suffering retinal damage.
Time waits for no man. Except Jack Bauer.
Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
Only Jack Bauer can get more information out of his interrogator than the interrogator gets out of him.
On Halloween, Jack Bauer goes as himself.
Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
"Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in.  Jack Bauer fucking hates tomatoes.
The truth may set you free, but only if Jack Bauer says it's ok.
There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
Jack toilet trained Kim at gunpoint.
Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
What should you tell a terrorist that's been shot three times?  Nothing.  Jack Bauer already is about to ask him his first question.
If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, it's because Jack Bauer is bending him over.
There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
Meatloaf once sang, "I would anything for love, but I won't do that." Jack Bauer did "that." Twice.
For 24: The Game, (PS2) there will be three levels of difficulty; Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is right behind you. By the time you turn around, he'll be in hiding.
Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
When Jack Bauer "goes dark" all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death.  Death is afraid of Jack.
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris were stuck in a room together once... After 3 minutes, Chuck Norris left crying without a scratch on him.

When Jack Bauer runs with scissors, someone WILL get hurt, and it won't be Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer was at your party, it would be the longest day of your life.
If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level, you don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
Jack Bauer watches 24 every Monday night as a weekly reminder of how badass he is.
Jack Bauer can piss in the corner of a circular room.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
Jesus turned wine into water. Jack Bauer turns blood from a terrorist he shot in the kneecaps into truth serum.
Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend.  She was sick of being on the bottom during sex-- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
When Jack Bauer was on The Price is Right, he won the showcase showdown by torturing Bob Barker until he told him the exact price of his showcase.
Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL".
The only time we'd ever have to fear the French Army is if Jack Bauer became a French Citizen.
It takes Jack Bauer 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
If Jack Bauer says "Shit," you say "What shape Agent Bauer?"
Jack Bauers' bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the shit out of himself.
Jack Bauer understands the words that are coming out of Chris Tucker's mouth, but it's just easier to shoot him.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light.  Not because he is scared of the dark but because the dark is scared of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
It never rains on Jack Bauer because nature knowns better. 
Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground.
Jack Bauer likes to go bowling on the weekends.  By bowling I mean "Killing" and by on the weekends I mean "Anytime he feels like it."
Jack Bauer beat Tetris.
Jack Bauer doesn't need a watch.  Time follows him.
Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
When God said, "Let there be light," it was so Jack Bauer could see who he was going to shoot.
Jack Bauer doesn't use a stunt double.  Stunt doubles use Jack Bauer.  
Kobe Bryant will pass the ball when Jack Bauer tells him to.
Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
To give the terrorists a fighting chance, Jack Bauer will start throwing bullets.
"This man has more lives than a cat." Ramon Salazar, Season 3
Jack Bauer doesn't need to "establish a perimeter", he is the perimeter.
Jack Bauer's shadow has 8 kills.
Jack Bauer doesn't own Tivo. His VCR simply lives in fear of ever forgetting to record his shows again.
Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener, he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
In the time it takes you to read this, Jack Bauer would have already ended your life and moved on to your neighbors. 
Jack Bauer as the new spokesperson for Verizon: "You're gonna hear me now.  It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
Jack Bauer doesn't need a gun to kill terrorists, guns just want in on the action.
If Jack Bauer were Mexican, everyone in the United States would try to hop the border to Mexico.
When you get in a fist fight with Jack Bauer, he kills you with your own fists.
Little girl on the milk carton, Jack Bauer knows where you are.
If you Tivo 24, Jack Bauer will kill you.  Jack Bauer fucking waits for no one.
Jack Bauer tortured Amnesty International until they agreed to endorse torture.
Jack Bauer was once abducted by aliens, this explains why scientists haven't discovered intelligent life in the universe.
Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name.  He will gundown your family for that.
Jack Bauer didn't ask Mason for a hack-saw to cut that guy's head off. He merely used his hands to do that. No, Jack needed the hack-saw to shave his awesome beard.
If Jack Bauer was on Oceanic Flight 815, he'd have been off the Island with 23 hours & 59 minutes to spare.
When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.
There are two certainties for everyone in life, death and taxes. For Jack Bauer, there's only one certainty. And that's why he hired a good accountant.
Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie.  He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has not killed you. Yet.
The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.
Jack Bauer has cancer, and cancer prays for it's life.
When most people get depressed, they seek medical attention.  When Jack Bauer gets depressed, all he needs is a little radiation to get him back on his feet.
Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
When Jack Bauer sends in his taxes, he sends a blank form along with a picture of himself with a gun.  Jack Bauer has not had to pay taxes ever.
Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
The reason there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States is because Jack Bauer is still single.
When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
Jack Bauer has one weakness. Kim's stupidity.
When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
If you're in Jack Bauer's hands, you're not covered under our policy. That's Allstate's stand.
The painting "The Scream" is actually a picture from Jacks camera phone.
The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion. The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion. Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.
Studio execs pitched a Jack Bauer vs The Terminator movie. Upon hearing about this, The Terminator killed itself.
Most people start their day with a bowl of cereal. Jack Bauer starts his day with a 9mm and a double figure body count
When Jack Bauer orders a pizza with toppings, he gets pepperoni and glass.  He picks off the pepperoni.
Jack Bauer learned alchemy to turn gold into lead.  You can never have too many bullets.
When people said that "24" had "jumped the shark", Jack Bauer jumped into the tank and killed the shark with his bare hands. 
Right before he suffocated, Abu Fayed realized the irony, that, if he hadnt brought back Jack Bauer, all his plans would have succeeded.
The cartoon that the Muslims are so angry about is really a drawing of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can get a homeless guy to say who he's working for.
Jack Bauer once passed a kidney stone so large that he called it Edgar and put it to work at CTU.
Jack Bauer tortures his family members to find out what he's getting for Christmas.
Jack Bauer killed the one dentist who didn't recommend Trident.
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
Jack was going to cut Chase's hand off anyway.  The bomb just gave him an excuse.
Even if you get shot in the neck or blown up in an explosion, if Jack Bauer needs you to work, you're coming back to work, dammit.
Jack Bauer only seeks medical attention when his erections last fewer than four hours.
Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin he would have escaped, captued and tortured the stingray & found out who it was working for.
Jack Bauer turns left on red.
The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
Jack Bauer fills his plug-in air freshener with Sentox nerve gas.
No one says "Who's your daddy?" to Kim Bauer and lives to tell about it.
Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the shit out of it until it drags itself away.
