How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right....I just didn't know what her first name was
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 97.5% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Coz they want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said "God, I wish I had your will-power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful .
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
What does a woman and carpet have in commen? if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later.
How are women and a pile of dog crap alike? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up
How do we know that God is a man? A:If God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate
Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place.
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you done told her twice. 
why cant women ski? because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen
What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? The back of my hand
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Did you know there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too it makes you talk crap and drive horrible
Why do they call it PMS? Cause mad cow disease was already taken
Why do women get married in white? So they match the kitchen appliances!
Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?  Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened when she brings it to you
How is a woman like a laxative?  They both irritate the crap out of you.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it? The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

