Q: Why do men name their penises?  A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?  A: A hot dog and a six pack. 

Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out, "Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!" 

Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis?  A: The wrinkles! 

Q: How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?  A: Throw it off a cliff. 

Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?  A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Q: Why do men like BMWs?  A: They can spell it.

Q: What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?  A: Proofread.

Q: Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?  A: He wanted a foam mattress.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  A. All 3 of them. 

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?  A: So men can understand them.

Q: What is the diference between  a) a toilet  b) the 'g' spot  c) wedding anniversaries  A: Nothing really -- men seem to miss them all! 

"Men are like toilets. Either: Vacant/Engaged or full of crap." 

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."

Suzie: "Can you beat my total of 71 men?" Jane: "If you supply the whips."

Q: What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?  A: Divorced 

Q: Why are women so bad at mathemetics?  A: Because men keep telling them that this <--------------------------> is 12 inches. 

Typical man: At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, "Does this happen to you often?" 

Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?  A: Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum. 

Q: Why are men like popcorn?  A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?  A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar. 

Q: Why is food better than men?  A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. 

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?  A: Because men fake foreplay. 

Q: Why do men prefer blondes?  A: Men always like intellectual company 

Q: Why are men like blenders?  A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?  A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. 

Q: Why are men and stray paint alike?  A: One squeeze and they're all over you. 

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?  A: We (women) cook/they (men) eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q: What did God say after he created man?  A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman. 

Q: Why are men like commercials?  A: You cant believe a word they say. 

Q: When a woman gets married she wants the 3 S's (sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing) what does she get? A: The 3 B's: Burps, Body Odor, and Beer Breath. 

Q: Why are men like paper cups?  A: They're dispensable 

Q: What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?  A: Government Bonds mature.

Q: What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?  A: "Oh look, donut seeds!"

Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?  A: ET phoned home.

Q: Why do Blonde Women have bruises around their navals?  A: Blonde men are stupid too. 

Q: Why are men like noodles?  A: They are always in hot water . They lack taste. They need dough.

Q: How can you tell if a man is a WASP?  A: He gets out of the shower to pee.

Q: What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?  A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.

Q: Whats the only exercise men get?  A: Sucking in their stomaches when a bikini walks by.

Q: How do you force a man to do situps?  A: Put the remote between his toes.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?  A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q: What did God say after he created man?  A: "I can do better than this" and he made woman.

Q: Why are men like commercials?  A: You cant believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?  A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: Why are men and stray paint alike?  A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why are men like blenders?  A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q: Why is food better than men?  A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?  A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: Why do men prefer blondes?  A: Men always like intellectual company

Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?  A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?  A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?  A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?  A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?  A. They both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?  A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?  A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blond jokes so short?  A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?  A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  A. They all already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?  A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?  A. When he owns it.

Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?  A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?  A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?  A. His hand caught fire.

Q. What did God say after creating Eve?  A. Practice makes perfect.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?  A. The good ones are always taken. The free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
 
Women are like tea bags, you never know how strong they are until they are in HOT water.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he is in diapers.

What do you if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

If they can send a man to the moon - why can't they send them all?

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in the mental hospital

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn;t ask for directions.

Sadly, all men are created equal

A man walks into a store which sells brains for transplant use. As he browses the selection, he notices that the female brains are cheaper than the male brains. When he asks for an explanation for the price difference, the store clerk responds,.."The female brains are less expensive because they have actually been used." 

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?  A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 

Q: What is the fastest way to a man's heart?  A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things as well.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men.....a woman. 
